Here are five standard guidelines to selecting a champagne.
First is the looks. Like the good male chauvinist sexist pig I am, looks will always matter first. I mean come on, Brad Pitt is in my corner on this one too, he never dated an fat ugly chic. Well, did he? So don’t shot the messenger. Does the champagne look robust, interesting and golden? Does it appear to want to burst with bubbles? Is there dust on the bottle? Yes there are vintage Champagnes, but they aren’t marked down on clearance at $19.97 down at the Walmart. There are two types of Champagnes, French and American. I’d buy American first, not because of the taste, but because it makes the French mad that we have Champagne made here.
Second is the smell. Now it’s hard to smell the bouquet through the cork top in the store. You can try if you want. I usually either knock over a bottle by “accident”, or just open it like I own it. Of course I won’t buy that bottle. Getting home and popping the cork is what you pay most of your money for. If it smells like feline urine, you’re not out any money or get the bad rap of not knowing your champagnes. If you get caught doing this by the store manager, just act superior and walk out. Make sure you say something French as you walk away.
Third is the feel. If you men have any feelings, this is the time to use them. Does it feel like you should drop a stack of cash on this toilet water? If not, just buy the cheap stuff and claim after you drink and it tastes bad, you announce to your lady, that now you remember reading in Wino Snob magazine that it was a bad year for that champagne. Don’t throw it away though. Keep it and if the bubbles go away, just pour it into a white wine bottle.
Fourth is the taste. Again it’s not really the taste that matters. All that matters is that you have enough taste to buy champagne. That’s the important part. Enough said.
Fifth is the finish. For $20 a bottle you need to make sure you finish that bottle. Of course the goal being to get lucky with a woman. If your lady friend liked the taste, you got lucky and the champagne was cheap, then that should be your signature champagne.
The conclusion is Champagne is really just expensive beer for women. Real men don’t drink that stuff, unless it came in six packs. For single guys it pays to keep a cheap bottle on hand to grease to the sheets, if you know what I mean. Make sure it’s hidden for your guy friends, so they don’t think you are going to use it celebrate your coming out party. Remember only spend a lot of money on expensive stuff if you are the only one who is going to drink it.